


Atrocious!

by ScarfyTheShipster



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, Sex Stories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 18:22:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5880994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarfyTheShipster/pseuds/ScarfyTheShipster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Timothy is a terrible flirt and asks Janey to help him learn how to talk to girls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Atrocious!

"Can I ask you for a favor, Janey?"

Tim fidgeted as Janey looked over at him from beneath a stingray hoverbike she was modifying. "What is it?" They'd become friends after she'd rescued him and he'd done some missions for her, but he still got a little nervous around her.

It was going to sound so stupid. Tim knew it. He sheepishly ran a hand through his hair. "Well, ah, understand that it's important to my job. I mean, being Jack and all. I gotta act the part."

"Spit it out."

"Can you teach me how to flirt with girls?" Janey laid her head back to give him a blank stare and Tim stammered, trying to convince her. "You're a girl, and you like girls, so I mean, you've gone out with them, you know how, right?"

"Well when you say it like that, you've come to the right person." Janey stood up and wiped grease off on her jeans. She put her hands on her hips and said, "You look the part, so you just gotta act it, okay? Lots of straight girls'll go for you, and I'll get the numbers of everyone else. We can absolutely do this!" 

Tim was relieved. "Yeah, yeah we'll be great!"

"That's the spirit! Okay, let's role play, show me what you got." 

Oh no. Tim tried to imagine Janey was someone like Moxxi at a bar, instead of his friend in a garage. "Hey girl, you're, uh, a girl." Janey burst into giggles and Tim blurted out, "You're pretty!"

"Oh my god! Oh you really need help!" 

"I know! I'm sorry."

Janey composed herself and grinned. "Okay, so you wanna try this like Jack, yeah? Confidence is key. You don't wanna be creepy, but just assured, okay?"

Tim nodded and took a deep breath. Janey had kept some of those posters he made for her and there was one on the wall, his mouth open and face a mask of pure terror as he and confetti flew through the air with the caption 'BELIEVE IN STUFF'. He tried to feel motivated and confident, even striking a pose like Jack would. "Hey sexy, take a seat on my face!"

"TIMOTHY!"

"That was real bad, agh!"

Janey shook her head with a smile. "Alright. Okay. So sometimes, especially in bars in this godless place, you might get away with that, but probably not. Just, if you see a cute girl, make small talk. Sit beside her, ask if she wants a drink."

"Am I supposed to order it for her or ask what she wants?" asked Tim. "I've never been sure." 

"If she already has a drink, offer a refill. If you want to not get her something gross, just order something for yourself and tell the barkeeper whatever she's having is on you." 

"Okay." 

"Martinis, cocktails, whiskey, and vodka are sexy. For the love of God don't order a light beer."

"Oh. Oops."

Janey groaned. "So you really aren't a virgin? How did you ever get laid?"

"Someone picked me up, actually. She called me sexy, I got her a drink really awkwardly, and we went home together. Then there was, um, another time that ended terribly." He blanched and Janey couldn't help but ask.

"Girls are a lot more fun than that face you're making. What did you do?" She hoped to get a great story to tell everyone she knew about Jack, since Moxxi already said he was awful in bed.

Tim shuddered a bit at the memory. "No, she was great. It was my fault, really. We were in bed and, uh, you know-"

"I know," said Janey quickly, not wanting details.

"-well I panicked. Real bad." Tim blushed at the memory because oh God, he still couldn't believe it. "She'd been leading and wanted me to get creative. I was really intimidated because wow, she was hot. I mean, God. Just touching any part of her was a privilege."

"Maybe if you talk like that to girls, they'll like you more."

Tim awkwardly fiddled with his shirt hem. "She expected me to be lots better than I was, and I got super anxious, and when I get super anxious my first reflex is to do this..." He did a weird motion with his hands and exclaimed, "Backup! I NEED BACKUP!"

"And the world just got twenty five percent more handsome!" chorused the digi-Jacks as they appeared. They both struck a mirrored pose on either side of Tim. "Who needs a hero?"

Janey wheezed with laughter, doubling over and crying. "YOU- YOU DIDN'T!"

"I did! She started screaming because they have guns and it was terrifying and I was inside her-"

"OH MY GOD!"

"And I totally forgot how to turn them off but the damage was done and she kicked me out of her room. It was super upsetting. I haven't had sex since!" 

"Fuck!" Janey caught her breath and wiped her eyes. "You're incredible. Here I was thinking I was the worst ever for getting my machine lube tube mixed up with my fun times lube tube one time."

Tim giggled. "Really now?"

"Yeah, yeah, shut it." Janey sighed and looked directly at Tim. "Look, maybe you shouldn't try to be a ladies man and a sexpert. It's not you. I mean, who cares if someone sees you looking like Jack acting nice? Are rumors that he has a soul really too bad?"

He thought about it and wished it was as simple as just taking her advice. "Truth is, I feel really out of my depth. Before all this, I thought it was great when a girl would let me buy her a coffee or ice cream, and we could talk casually about whatever we had in common, and maybe I'd kiss her cheek. Going out and trying to hookups? God no. But now that I'm Jack, it's not like I get to act like that. I can't have a relationship, even if a girl did like me."

Janey hugged him and Tim cautiously hugged back. "That's got to be hard. Look, Tim, it won't be like this forever." She stepped back and smiled sadly at him. "I always look at my date and see a potential best friend or lifelong lover, and it hurts when it ends too soon. It hurts when I want a relationship and they don't, but I wouldn't take back any time I had with them. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because I enjoyed myself. Dating is supposed to be fun! Even if you can't be with someone permanently, as long as you're honest about it, who's to say one night with a friend isn't worth it?" 

Tim nodded. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense." He brightened and said, "Do you wanna hear another line?"

"Oh no. Yes."

"Hey girl, were your parents beavers? Cause DAAAAAAM!"

They exchanged a glance and laughed together, and Tim wondered if meeting Janey was one of the real benefits of his job.


End file.
